


Jumper Cable

by altered_eagle



Series: City Goblins [19]
Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred Pennyworth has the patience of a saint, Bathing/Washing, Bathjokes, Bathtime buddies, Batjokes, Caretaking, Companionable Snark, Fluff, Joker broke something, M/M, The Babysitter's Club - Freeform, but not himself, for once, fuckin' a, i did weed drugs and wrote fic what else is new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 13:28:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16995873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altered_eagle/pseuds/altered_eagle
Summary: Trust me, Wayne growled,if you weren’t in such dire need of a thorough washing i would just take you outside and spray you down with the hose like a damned dog, after the crap you’ve pulled today.The Joker frowned at him.i already said i was sorry, Bruce.





	Jumper Cable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youcouldbeehappy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youcouldbeehappy/gifts).



> Bathjokes

**[40 Day Dream: Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7nD1T7mjp8) **

 

 _Hey, didn’t you chew me out for dyeing my hair in here that one time?_ The Joker asked as Wayne guided him over the threshold. _Isn’t this bathroom your old man’s?_ Wayne nodded and reached for the buttons of the other man’s shirt, wincing as the stained-stiff fabric crackled under his fingertips

 _Trust me_ , Wayne growled, _if you weren’t in such dire need of a thorough washing i would just take you outside and spray you down with the hose like a damned dog, after the crap you’ve pulled today._ The Joker frowned at him.

_i already said i was sorry, Bruce._

_And i accept your apology but ‘sorry’ won’t get fifty gallons of homemade napalm out of the pipes now will it._

_You know i didn’t do it on purpose_ , the Joker retorted shaking his snarled curls out of his eyes. _Duct-taping the drain and laying down two tarps is always enough to keep all the gasoline in the tub. Your duct tape just sucks, maybe it was old..._

_**You** were manic. _

_i was focused._

_You’re manic_ , Wayne started again, _and you’re pretty sleep-deprived, and dehydrated and hungry_. He smiled fondly and brushed his hand over the Joker’s salt-crusted hair. _Maybe you made a mistake because you’re so exhausted that you can’t think clearly_. The Joker’s painted lip pouted out.

_i don’t make mistakes just because my body’s lagging. If i did that i’d be long dead by now._

_You're right,_  Wayne agreed,  _and it worries the hell out of me. But righ_ _t now i don’t trust you to wash yourself without passing out, so i’ve got to get in with you._  Wayne unbuttoned the Joker’s pants. _You’ll feel a lot better when you’re clean. i’m sure Alfred will forgive us for using his shower if we’re trying to prevent a potential medical emergency that he’d inevitably have to help with._

 _True._ The Joker stepped out of his underwear into the white-tiled stall. _He does enough around here_. He glanced over his shoulder at Wayne and there was something almost reproachful in his gaze

that Wayne chose to ignore,

in favor of turning on the taps.

 

Wayne soaped up the Joker’s chest twice before he was satisfied, and grime had stopped pouring into the drain. But when he rubbed the cloth over the Joker’s hip the man’s quick hands were suddenly on his squeezing at his wrists

 _Let go_ , Wayne ordered as he tried and failed to keep the amusement out of his voice.

The Joker dropped Wayne’s wrist, arched 

one soft eyebrow. _i thought that’s what this was all about. i haven’t seen you in almost three weeks._

 _No you idiot, it’s about safety._ Wayne shook his head. _We just discussed this, jesus you’re more out of it than i thought._ The Joker shrugged.  _And you thought it would be nice to surprise me after a month by breaking into my place and attempting to cook a huge quantity of volatile chemicals in my master bathroom. Now you think after that i'm going to fuck you in Alfred's private quarters._ Wayne gave the Joker a hard, tired look but the clown just tilted his head, licked his lip.

_i just thought everyone who had a shower built big enough for two people to fuck in had it built for that specific option._

**_i_** _didn’t._

 _Your shower is hardly big enough for two_. The Joker reached out, touched the switch to the shower head settings covering them in a shroud of steam. _This one could easily fit two guys your size and maybe a third guy if they were all into that_

  _Joker_

_and there’s a bench in here. A built-in bench, it’s not even a foldout_

_Because he’s an old man_. Wayne scrubbed a hand over his eyes while the Joker rolled his own.

 _Oh please_ , the clown sighed _your body’s more busted than his is_

 _i am absolutely not having sex with you in my butler’s shower_ , Wayne interrupted, _i_

and then

the Joker’s lips were touching his neck moving up behind his ear and Wayne shuddered despite the warm water pouring over him.

 _There’s no way_ , he breathed as the Joker’s wet mouth moved down across his chest sending sparks up through his nerves  _Knock it off_ , Wayne gasped, and stopped the Joker’s path to his nipple. The other man huffed, and drew back

with his mouth electric-red and dripping

 

 _You are not talking me into this_ , Wayne insisted as he reached for the soap bar again as he tried 

to force his heart rate back to normal. _i am scrubbing you dressing you and feeding you, and then you’re taking an ativan and a nap. Then i’ve got to figure out how to remove a hundred gallons—_

_Fifty_

_a whole lot of goddamned homemade napalm from the plumbing system of the entire east wing of my house._ Wayne flicked the washcloth against the Joker’s throat sending flecks of dirt flying. _That’s all that’s happening tonight._

 

The Joker smiled.

  
_We’ll see,_ he purred, and tipped his head back.

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize for any errors revolving around homemade napalm i am no expert
> 
> [SYNTHWAVE](https://twitter.com/PlasmaRing) MADE THE ILLUSTRATION FOR ME thank you friend <3 Go commission them :D


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